The 7 Things 'FB Intellectuals' HAVE TO say/do

When Zuckerberg co founded FB with his fellow Harvard mates, little did he know that it would turn the world upside down, his and ours both. In 10 years of its existence, the world around it has transformed and so has it, greatly. From a fun thing between friends, Zuckerberg’s invention soon became serious business.

And some people just got too serious.

I know, bad pun but well that’s what reading the long emotion filled status of some serious friends has done to the writer’s humor. So let me introduce you to the subject of this write up – The FB Intellectual.

We all have that one friend of ours who is real ‘serious’ about everything around him/her, the chalta firta virtual Satyamev Jayate(Oh wait, its all fake with a big F for him) so much that the seriousness spills over to his FB wall. He/she is cynical about everything generally celebrated. Long statuses using the choicest of words from the Thesaurus is their hallmark. And a longer comments thread where they get to become the Arnab Goswami of the online discussion is what keeps them busy. So here are the 6 things every FB intellectual does or writes about.

5+1+3+2+0.5 = Big Zero if its Chetan Bhagat

Everything that sells has to suck i.e according to the Facebook intellectual. So no matter if Bhagat’s 5 books make it to this intellectual’s Book Bucket List, they have to heap abuses on Chetan Bhagat. So, basically he writes trash and doesn’t know anything about literature. The bashing has to be followed by an expression about the depression they go into thinking what all is the youth of nation is growing up reading. Sigh!

Black Dot syndrome

Black Dot syndrome is one problem that the FB intellectual badly suffers from. For everything that’s wrong with the country, the FB intellectual HAS TO show his/her anger. So, when statuses fall short (well their statuses are never ‘short’ though) they take to protesting with the Black dot as their Display Pic. And that’s not enough. You soon get messages in your inbox, chiding you for sticking to your DP in such times. And if you don’t.. well you’re not sensitive enough. What logic? #fbIntellectLogic

God? We’re atheists.Period.

Sachin Tendulkar, who? We only know Bradman “Dude, he had an average of 99.94, and that too playing without helmet”. “Oh, really? So how many tests did he play?” “Ummmmm.” So no matter if the Facebook intellectual has never seen Bradman batting, has no idea what kind of opponents he faced, HE IS GREATEST. Why? Well, praising Tendia is just too mainstream.no?
And wait if its other sports, Dude! Sachin is nothing before Dhyan Chand. The Bharat Ratna to SRT was a shameful CONSPIRACY. But wait, what sport did DC play?

Part and parcel of being a Facebook intellectual

The inevitable Honey Singh and Feminism Mash’up 

According to Godwin’s law "As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1" Well, thanks to our facebook intellectuals, we soon might have a desi version of it, where as any online discussion on Feminism grows longer, the probability of a mention of Honey Singh approaches 1. Don’t dare to post anything close to Honey Singh on your wall, and if you do, brace yourself for the virtual vandalizing of your wall. 

The IPL conundrum

All emotions are poured out on the Facebook Wall when the IPL is on. Long posts about humongous sixes, acrobatic catches, missed runouts and nail biting finishes hog the news feed. But then arrives the slightest hint of something being fishy in this spectacle of a tournament and all hell breaks loose for the FB intellectual. The cricket lover in the FB intellectual gets ‘hurt’, feels ‘ashamed’ and raises his finger in David Shepherd style to declare THIS IS NOT CRICKET.

Salman Khan= Everything wrong with India

Just like Chetan Bhagat, another favorite punching bag of the FB intellectual is Salman Khan. Every time Salman releases a flick, and every time his movies earn 100 crore, which they always end up doing anyway, you get that ultimate Salman bashing status. Our FB intellectual, saddened by the state of affairs of the film industry, pours out feelings of shame on Salman’s success and ‘intelligent cinema’s’ lack of appreciation. Valid cause. Valid status. But why every single time when Salman’s movie released? And why 100 words? For God’s sake, the length of your posts wont make Salman read them and stop acting, man.

No doubt they love to pour their hearts out, and when there is no ‘issue’ to express views on, the FB intellectual finds stifled. That’s when they find another outlet in writing exalted reviews of anything recently encountered - book, movie, song, restaurant..anything . But, dekh bhai, likhna to hai.